Kanye West is a Bitch

Volume Six, Issue 13

February 2, 2006

Kanye West is a Big Old Blubbering Bitch
Chicago – I know I’m a little bit behind with this story, but better late than never. Kanye West is a bitch. Kanye West is a big old blubbering bitch. Kanye West is a crybaby. Kanye West is a fairly talented young man, but he’s a grotesque, sniveling vagina. I hope Kanye West sues me. Just to make sure he does, I’ll say it again: Kanye West is a big old blubbering bitch.

The only thing Kanye West has ever said that comes even close to being true was when he said on live television “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people.” That might be right, I’m not sure. One thing that seems fairly obvious to me is that George W. Bush doesn’t care about poor people. But he does seem to care about rich people, regardless of their color (that means you, Kanye). George W. Bush has an African American woman in his Cabinet as Secretary of State. She succeeded an African American man. Does George W. Bush not care about black people? You make the call. I don’t like George W. Bush, not a bit, but I detest Kanye West. I hate Kanye West because he’s an ignorant, race-baiting bitch.

Yo, I know Kanye be comin’ up hard in da hood ah-ight – yeah, if by the hood you mean Columbia College and Chicago State University, the two schools at which he studied music before leaving early to follow the money. Kanye West’s mother is a distinguished doctor in Chicago. He grew up a privileged, uppity snot, a fact that no doubt underlies his inability to distinguish himself from the Messiah. Jesus of Nazareth was a prophet who changed the world. Kanye West, on the other hand, is a silly little bitch.

Despite the fact that hardship in Kanye’s young life consisted of having to take his laundry clear across town to have his mother’s undocumented workers wash and iron it for him, he had the audacity to launch his performing career with an album that chronicled the economic struggle of African Americans with none-too-subtle allusions to himself. He should be ashamed. He just co-opted the real experience of millions of African Americans in order to pander himself, on the basis of skin color alone, to an audience whose real experiences he cannot begin to fathom. If by blackness one means more than the pigment in one’s skin, Kanye West is about as black as Charlize Theron. He hasn’t had time to be black. He’s been too busy being rich his whole life. Kanye West is a rich bitch.

Kanye West got in a car accident in 2002 and with his jaw wired shut recorded a solo entitled Through the Wire, a song that consists of nothing but sampled riffs from Chaka Khan’s Through the Fire and Kanye West’s bitchy little spoken voice. Tons of people, mostly stupid ones, bought that piece of shit and applauded the courage it took for a spoiled bitch like Kanye West to keep on cranking out crappy CD’s right after banging up his fly ride. Boo-fucking-hoo, Kanye. I wish I had a Lexus to bang up in the first place. If I did, and if I broke my hip, I would choreograph my own stage performance and call it T-Dog and Crutch. It would consist of me limping my feeble ass around to the tune of Singin' in the Rain dressed up like Gene Kelly. Kanye West is a self-absorbed bitch.

Kanye West recorded another song called Jesus Walks. Kanye, I’ll get my theology from a seminarian if you don’t mind. If I want spoiled, sniveling R&B and Hip-Hop bitches like you to preach to me about anything, let’s make it something relevant to your expertise, like say, how to lift riffs out of good songs and lay them into a loop on your own shitty tracks. I don’t want you to tell me “Jesus Walks.” Why don’t you write a song called Kanye Steals? Kanye West is a thieving, uncreative bitch.

I’m not very big, I don’t exercise, I smoke too much and I’m 40 years old. I could still kick the shit out of Kanye West because he’s a big old blubbering bitch. Annie Lennox could kick Kanye West’s ass. Big Bird could probably take him. Steven Hawking would have a chance in a fair fight. Kanye West is a bitch, a crying bitch, a blubbering bitch, a sniveling, crawling, spoiled, entitled, pampered, preening, gutless, whining, sad, juvenile bitch. I hate Kanye West. You should too.

Bring it on Kanye.